Friendship — a breeze and a storm
There’s something in the air perhaps? Or like in “Dark Waters”, something in the water…
Why is it so difficult to make new friends after a certain age, in certain locations and after starting a family?
Writing from a strictly personal viewpoint, I dive into this topic with the utmost sincerity, yet without divulging too many details gratuitously.
Certainly not being born in a certain country and/or not having lived in it sufficiently from a tender age, creates a big gap between the self, and the other. I find with each immigration, the gap between myself and the host society becomes larger. Indeed, language matters, however I’ve always been able to speak the language of the host within a short time of my arrival. Culture matters! Yes, this is a big thing. A Latin culture submerged in a predominantly Germanic one (assuming that the individual doesn’t stay solely within their own immigrant community), as well as vice versa, is likely to make that individual either drown in it, or remain afloat on a raft, alone.
Many aspects influence the possibility of a friendship beyond the twenties, beyond school and university days and beyond culture and language boundaries.
My personal experience has been a bleak one beyond the age of twenty-nine. Until that point in time, I had still managed to meet and form long-lasting connections. Once arrived in Belgium, almost on the cusp of my thirties, I still had the opportunity to be part of a group and to form a bond with one or two individuals outside of any Romantic involvement. However, none of those bonds survived the changes that occurred in my life. Unlike previous connections, some as old as twenty-five years and dating back to Primary School days, all the new bonds were held together only by some thin threads of common interests. Remarrying, having children, losing and changing jobs all saw contacts disappearing one by one.
One connection ceased to respond to my calls and messages. She had been disapproving of my romantic partner and disapproving of my physique. Another ceased to visit after the birth of the first child, stating that he didn’t want to bother me. A former colleague whom I could almost call a friend was disapproving of my eating habits and took offence to my company farewell message. Once, in trying to approach a fellow colleague who’d also left that same job, she blatantly stated that she had no time for me or my troubles…I should come back later. Lastly, but not uniquely, a fellow neighbour with whom I shared several points in common feared I would encroach on her professional activities and preferred to write off the entire connection rather than divide her attention.
What had happened to that age-old simplicity of becoming friends, and staying friends even through life changes? It had been possible before and the proof was still there in the distance friendships that had survived the test of time and hardships. Of course, it’s different and easier to be friends when you’re far away…or is it really? I’d say it’s more difficult to maintain a friendship long distance than it is with someone almost next door. And yet the theory has been proven wrong for the duration of ten years, and counting.
Some societies are more welcoming than others and some have less resources at its disposal. In my experience, non-Western societies have more desire and respect for change and adapt easier to it, whether it’s a person or a situation. Societies of less financial resources have bigger open arms towards those needing help, whether it’s material or emotional. In short, money and culture play a big role in how tightly glued a community is at any point in time in a individual’s life.
In a rich environment, you will be frowned upon for asking for a free bag of sugar in exchange for a friendly marble cake some months later.
In a rigid culture, you will be moved to the fringes if you are not one of them.
Sure there are plenty of other factors to consider such as personality, demeanour, specific common interests, habits, family composition, religion, political views, professional profile, gender and ethnic background. However, this is precisely what is in question here. Why, during childhood and all the way up to the early adult years, were all those above mentioned aspects almost entirely irrelevant to making and keeping friends, and beyond that point, a checklist to absolutely everything?
For me, this is still an open-ended question to answer hopefully before retirement.
All that can be said is that I’ve made more relevant connections from a hospital bed and random websites, than from a school event of my children, a team building operation, a sporting event or next door neighbours. Perhaps in our modern, adult era, the only way to be noticed and appreciated, is through a common crisis or a pretty, online persona.
Either way, it’s a sad situation because regardless of age and financial status, the need for human connection in adulthood remains as poignant as it is in childhood. For some people, who are more highly sensitive than others, the helplessness of subtly being labelled unworthy leaves a long-lasting, aftertaste of bitterness and despondence.
